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Call me Emmanuel. Some years ago — never mind how long exactly — my sister started to write a novel. Ever since then, I’ve been harping on myself to write a whale of a best seller. And now I think it’s time to start this endeavor.
Why this sudden literary urge? Last time I told you about my rental experience with the new 911 (or 996). This month I’m going to tell you my plan on how I’m going to get one. I considered many other ways to make money, most of which involved jail terms and/or weapons Rambo would be afraid of. Then it occurred to me — I could write a bestseller, the rights of which I could sell to a major studio, thus giving me the cash I need to buy a new 996 (and maintain it). I’m sure there are other more conservative (and slow) ways to do this, but this seems easier to me than simply getting promoted in my job or collecting returnable bottles.
You may think this would be difficult task — writing a bestseller.
I figure if authors like Stephen King,
Tom Clancy, Anne Rice and Michael Crichton,
plus many others, could do it, so could I. Sure — they have some
talent on their side, but I’m motivated by a more primal instinct — the
lust for money. In any case, I think the odds are in my favor.
There are probably many bestselling authors out there, conservatively
dozens out of 260,000,000+ people in the U.S. Those odds are
still better than winning the Lotto (1 in 5,082,517,440).
So what kind of book will I write? I thought about sticking with what I know, but I decided to write about engineering instead. I think that’s what the world needs today — a swash-buckling engineer for a hero. Well, Dilbert the engineer is already a hero for some, but (and it’s a big but) I don’t think he swashes his buckle much.
The hero is Brett Johnson, a mild-mannered engineer who uses his engineering prowess to repeatedly save the world from itself. This is very fertile ground, creatively speaking. For example, when was the last time you heard the words “engineer” and “prowess” used in the same sentence? And now, finally, the public can hear about how we fill out a dangerous “engineering change request” or the ever hazardous “test report form” in Clancy-like details. (And if I want to make this really scary, I’ll tell you how I come up with algorithms that deploy airbags.)
He’ll also have a mysterious past. Engineers like to have mysterious pasts, especially when talking about what products we produced that were highlighted by 60 Minutes, NBC Dateline or 20/20. A good (or lucky) engineer is one that’s never seen the inside of a court room, with the possible exception of trying to get out of a speeding ticket.
(Typical Engineer’s Desk)
So what does Brett do? Well, if he watched some of the movies this past summer, he may be calculating ways to save the earth from asteroid XF11 from impacting the earth on October 26, 2028. (Original estimates had the asteroid coming within 45,000 km of the earth by then — about one-eight the distance to the moon! Revised estimates say it’s more like 950,000 km, but if you watch X-Files, which number would you believe?)
Alternatively, he could battle contra-engineers from Communist
China, which has quitely bought over 100 supercomputers from
the West due to a change in our presidential policy brought about
by Chinese lobbyist who contributed heavily to the president’s
campaign fund. The supercomputers are being used to decrypt electronic
messages all around the world and to steal industrial secrets.
Too fanciful, you say? Then you haven’t been reading the News
According to the Internet.
So who is going to play this dapper engineer (yes, I know engineers aren’t known for being dapper, but remember, this is fiction)? Well, if John Grisham can get Tom Cruise to play a lawyer, I should be able to at least get an ex-convict, like Christian Slater or Robert Downey, Jr., to play an engineer. Whom I would really like to play Brett, however, would be Arnold Schwarzenegger. What boss would argue with Arnie when he says, “But it vill never pazz PV!”
Finally, if Brett ever meets a girl during the course of his adventures, he has to get the girl and then keep her. I don’t like the “hero meets girl (or heroine meets boy), hero saves world, girl/boy dies in the process” story lines. In my stories, if hero meets girl, and hero saves world, the girl gets to live, unless she’s actually one of the bad guys and then the hero has to kill her. Call me a romantic.
So when you see a novel out in the stores with a picture of a bare-chested Fabio with a calculator clenched between his teeth, make sure you pick up several copies. It’s for a good cause.
(P.S. If you know if any publishers that I can harass, please feel free to forward their numbers to me.)
| << August 1998<< | >> October 1998>> |
(The BahnStormer is the official newsletter of the Rally Sport Region (Detroit area) of the Porsche Club of America. You can contact the editor at .)
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